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Go, Washington Fat Cats!

    Thursday, February 15, 2018 -- (Long Beach, CA) -- You’ve heard the talk. Shouldn’t the NFL team in our nation’s capitol change their name? Why, even certain politicians refuse to attend home games unless the name is changed.

    Everyone’s entitled to an opinion. Here’s mine.

    It’d be great for the Washington team to change the name. Everything is great, even when bad words feel great. That’s why greatness is so great. The real question is, “What do you call it?”

    As a Governor of Massachusetts said, “Words mean something.” To call a professional sports team the Redskins and depict Native Americans in offensive logos and “sh_t-hole” words not only is bad for football, it is bad for the NFL’s bottom line.

    As our current President can tweet, “sh_t-hole” words feel great, because great “sh_t-hole” words are SO great that pretty soon people hate all words so much that they don’t pay attention to the annual budget spending plan.

    No matter what a tweet says, negative words on a uniform make bad things happen to good organizations, like the NFL. Ask Americans who pay attention to the Superbowl.

    Let’s look at the NBA, which we hopefully agree is a good organization. Most believe that the NBA tries to make good things happen, like paying multi-million-dollar salaries to tall athletes playing a game and who look great in silk clothing.

    As the Los Angeles Clippers organization showed, the consequence of an owner’s very bad “sh_t-hole” words makes fans mad. Sponsors don’t spend money if fans who are mad don’t buy their products. When sales fall, the cost of silk rises.

    If ordinary Americans stop handing over great amounts of money to America's great corporations-slash-teams, then all those rich-and-mostly-white men who own those corporations get worried that they might not get even richer. So if fans stop attending because of “sh_t-hole” words, it is very bad to hurt the bottom line, even if another rich-and-obviously-white man loves tweeting from the White Again House.

    When very bad things happen to very-rich-and-mostly-white men, they can lose a lot of money, because hate is so last-century.

    When rich people lose money -- anyone who is rich -- it is more than bad. It is “not great.” Very not great.

    The NFL -- like the NBA -- is first and foremost a business. Giving a great amount of money to the rich is a great way for a rich president to make America great again. The rich keep their money, and get lots of money, because all money is great, so long as the rich get most of it.

    The National Football League’s annual nine billion dollars in revenue is never a bad thing, because that is a lot of money. A very small number of rich-and-mostly-white men know when the Stock Market can feel your pain.

    Moral imperatives and passionate pleas are not enough to change the Washington franchise name. But when Americans stop dumping great amounts of money, even rich-and-mostly-white men recognize when “sh_t-hole” words cut sales. What’s the bottom line? When the rich get richer, they nod their great hair and agree that hate is not great. Very not great.

    The sale of the Clippers happened because a Commissioner and fellow owners -- most of whom spend great money for their great hair -- like staying rich. It costs money to dine at the Owners’ Table. So does great hair. And even though professional athletes don’t like certain “sh_t-hole” words, they do love great salaries and food and silk clothing, especially when beautiful young women in tight silk clothing dance for them.

    So the big question is not when the Redskins change the name, but instead, “What is a great way to make Washington really great?”

    (No, it is not to rename a great building to become the White Again House! After all, “A house divided cannot stand,” so the Lincoln bed would fall down, and the President loves that great bed, especially when he is with a certain someone who is wearing tight silk, no matter who that someone might or might not be.)

    So we know that money is great. Another great name for the team in Washington means more great money, especially for the rich.

    What makes the name great? Fan enjoyment means merchandising and bigger food and alcohol sales. How many times can President Abraham Lincoln (on the Five) and President Indian Killer (on the Twenty) prove how great money is? As a certain rich man would tweet, “Money is always great, when you’re rich.”

    Think how much the rich-and-mostly-white men will smile when ordinary Americans dump their crumpled money into Washington’s coffers so they can enjoy for the greatest fun since Teddy Roosevelt won the Presidents’ Race.

    So put on your silk clothing and let's have a great new party of fun, to make someplace really great again.

How about...

    THE PRESIDENT’S GREAT NEW PARTY TEAM.... The Rich-Man-in-Chief can make this easy, and buy the Washington team himself. Only a fraction of Americans may attend segregated games, but poor-and-also-mostly-white fans would love The GNPs. And since Republicans will lose Congress in November 2018, he can demand those who are left to attend games of his Great New Party. Who wants some “grand old party” when they can buy discount tickets up front by registering as members of the reallyGreat NEW Party? And the cheerleaders will always look especially great in tight silk (or else they get fired).

    THE INDEPENDENTS.... Americans beat a King, and duked it out during an open rebellion. Hatred even won the White Again House. But neither party can drive a limo up a sand dune. So party doesn’t matter anymore. The Indies can make America smile again. The team in the nation’s capitol could be claimed by all sides, because all leaders loves sitting in a limo. So what that politicians cannot find common ground in Congress, because they can eat together in luxury boxes supplied by the rich-and-mostly-white men, who don’t care which party is in power, so long as the rich get richer.

    THE MAVERICKS.... Maybe the moment has passed for The Mavs, since Sarah Palin can’t lead a drinking game. But everyone in Washington would be proud to spend money to call themselves Mavericks. And what Owner is unhappy about U.S. Grant’s Fifty paying for an imitation Stetson or ten dollars shelled out for a cup of Genuine Maverick Chili. (Maybe Ben’s Chili Bowl can handle the contract.)

    THE ORGASMS.... Controversial, but the President always goes to Big O Stadium, because it’s a great place to come over and over. Watching a team explode with such power means that you can fall in love all over again with the Hometown Males. Cheerleaders are always a blast. Smoking will skyrocket after each touchdown, so voters in the Carolinas can cheer. Marketing can pitch The Os as a wholesome family experience, with massive Give It Away Nights and the merchandising of skin-tight silk clothing. When troops march at half-time, the President can order military service personnel now wearing newly-designed skimpy tight silk uniforms to lead Americans in “The Big O,” because everyone in Washington loves Their Orgasms.

    THE ROADKILL.... We’ve been worshiping at the temple of dead animals since time began. Why not just admit that no one knows what a Dodger Dog or Milwaukee Bratwurst contain? Scoop it off the highway, put it in the grinder and throw it in a bun, and give the fans what they want – charred meat on soggy starch. Package it for twelve bucks, and the real winners are not the players and cheerleaders in silk, but when fans pay for those luxury boxes. Owners laugh all the way to the bank.

    THE FAT CATS.... Let’s just call it like it is. Washington has always been home to the Fat Cats. Even Vladimir Putin knows that it doesn’t matter who casts votes, but who counts the money. True, Toupee Night might be under-attended, but Get a Bailout Day will draw everyone who is anyone from K Street. Just renegotiate TV royalties and the rich-and-mostly-white male owners will sit with the Fat-Cat-in-Chief at the League’s franchises, to enjoy how cheerleaders in silk look great when doing lap dances. Who will care if ordinary Americans are mad that the rich eat at the trough? Not mostly-white male, even if they’re not rich. And that’s why “sh_t-hole” words are so great, because the Redskins almost looks less “sh_tty” than certain “sh_t-hole” words.

    So let’s make America great again for rich people -- even those few who are not even white -- by ringing the registers in Washington.

    -- Who would miss a showdown between the ORGASMS slamming into the RAMS?

    -- Who wouldn’t cheer the INDIES or MAVS, as they take on the PATRIOTS?

    -- And who wouldn’t feel great about the ROADKILLS on a murderous march up the middle of Meat Eater Field?

    There will be naysayers, but the arch of progress isn’t straight. It’s crooked. And who wants some grand old anything, when spending a great amount of money can buy Great New Party silk lingerie for that certain person? That’s more than great. Silk lingerie that makes the rich even richer is VERY great.

    So slip into some tight silk, put on that imitation Stetson, buy expensive trinkets, and drink sh_tty beer in your cheap-yet-expensive seat.

    Go, FAT CATS!

    Wait! The President ordered the troops to march! Everybody! Do the Big O!

-- Billy Orton

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Billy Orton is a novelist and historian living in Long Beach, California.